I miss you, Holden.

And that? Right there? Breaks me a little, every time. Two syllables and it feels like one of the journeymen at your dad’s job has gone homocidal and taken a jackhammer to my lungs. Oh God. Your dad. I could weep for hours over the fact that you never got to meet him, that he never got to meet you, that I will never watch you sleeping next to one another, compare you two and look for Sames – same eyes, same nose, same crooked smile or widows peak. I have. I do. Oh God.

Your brothers… I don’t even know what to say. Except that. Your brothers. You had them. You were real, and they proved it just by existing. Genetic sequences may be a tenuous basis for belief but that’s fine, that’s okay. That’s something and something is better than nothing, which is sometimes what I think is all that’s left because now, ever since, everything seems soundless and windswept and even the goddamned horizon looks bereft.

It’s possible that I’ve gone a little crazy.

Probable, even.

I just miss you son. The feeling of you inside of me – there’s an emptiness now that I didn’t think was possible. It’s like negative empty. A big, endless pit that gets deeper and deeper and deeper until I’m dizzy with vertigo and feel like I’m pitching forward, even if I’m laying down. Even then.

And other times it’s the opposite. Other times I’m so filled with grief and guilt that I know that if someone touches me, if someone just looks at me and I have to have that weight on me too, I am going to explode and split open and make tearing sackcloth look like an amateur attempt at displaying the trappings of woe. On those days I can’t even leave your nursery. Which we painted over and emptied.

Oh God Holden, we painted over you. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Just… why can’t you still be here?

Oh God.

I don’t believe in Him anymore, either, by the way. Not since you. Not since that. Uncle John phoned to say that you were in a better place now and that He must have wanted you with Him, and I called bullshit on that particular paradigm. Because that’s selfish and vindictive, and I refuse to believe in Him if that’s what this is. I can’t. I won’t. So I don’t.

I wish there was more to say to you. Happy things – you were loved so much though, and now that you’re gone, there’s just this wide wake of inability. We can’t react, don’t know how, except sometimes we do and then it’s rage or sorrow or sickness and everything is a whirlwind now. You’re a tornado, Holden, a regular F5.

Holden, Holden, Holden.

Where’s next?

L possibly coming home on tuesday or wednesday. doc wants her more stable than she is. managed to get lizzie to have some broth and she kept it down but was hard to convince her to eat–has been very quiet and melancholy. brought rhys in to see her (older boys coming tomorrow) and it snapped her out of it for a bit.  not much else in way of news. keep fingers crossed that everything carries on getting better!

thank goodness we’re getting some control back. tonight (well, last night, i guess since it’s one am now) the cathetar was taken out and so far so good. L’s weight is still hovering around 105 but it’s mostly due to physical and emotional stress. vomiting has been pretty well eliminated and if everything goes ok tomorrow we’re going to try to get L to eat something bland and see how her system takes it.

depending on how quickly her body recovers, she could be home as early as monday. which would be fantastic – sleeping @ the hospital sucks and it doesn’t feel right  @ home without my girl.

as always, thanks for the kind thoutghts and words. i’ll keep updating.

j.

hey guys. rough day today-had to sedate lizzie to stop from tearing iv lines and monitors out/off. is emotionally/mentally wrecked. scared the shit out of me but one of our favorite nurses, pam, said that expecting anything less considering what’s happened would be naive. which is true.

physically we’re making some headway. met. seems to be doing it’s job – vomiting reduced greatly. there’s  some tearing of the esophogus, but the bleeding was stopped with an endoscopy and tears will eventually heal.  right now we’re just glad that stuff is staying down, and there’s pain meds for any discomfort in the meantime. cathatar has to stay in until the end of the week, and then we’ll see. dr. said that there’s no reason why her kidneys shouldn’t repair themselves and get back to functioning properly once she’s fully hydrated and cycling regularly. they are going to gradually wean her off the antiemetic meds and see if she can hold her own. if she can’t, then hormone therapy will have to be started. from wha i understand, these will basically ‘reboot’ her body and let it know she isn’t pregnant anymore. once we get the on-going immediate issues out of the way, we can concentrate on the healing process – in all respects. the staff here is excellent and dr. is working hard to get L to the point where she can go home and rest and recover.

disassembled the nursery tonight. really hard.

thanks for all the prayers and patience.

j.

long day, very tired, but a fast progress report; urethral cathetar put in today to help with the output/processing of fluids as L’s kidneys are having some trouble due to malnutrition andthe dehydration (which is being brought under control now that we have a central line in.) is not severe enough to require dialysis or anything becauseit was caught in time & our doc is treating aggresively now to try and hasten recovery. concerned about weight – down to 102, but holding. if she doesn’t start getting back on track by the end of the week, are going to start regulating hormones with meds, which will hopefully stop the symptoms from continuing and give her body a plateau to work up from.

L very depressed.

explained to alex and andy today. took it alright, but worried about L as they’ve not been able to see her. kids staying with my brother for time being.

more updates as occurs but i have to go back to hospital and try and sleep a bit.

aloha

j.

we (the boys and me) are at home right now for a quick bite to eat before i drop them off at my brother’s and go back to the hospital. no changes healthwise, but everything seems really different. i dunno. i feel like i’ve just been triple pounded in a heavy set and can’t find my way to the top. i’m not sure what i’m doing or what i should do.

told L about the baby. i’ve never felt more like a motherfucker than when i did. she seemed to get it for the moment, but i’m not sure if it’s really computed long-term. i think she thought i meant something was wrong with the baby but that it was okay. i don’t know. i don’t fucking know.

this is really hard.

please, i know you’re all worried, but L isn’t allowed visitors right now and she’s honestly not up to it anyway. we’ll let you know when that changes, but for the moment your calls and prayers are more than enough and greatly appreciated.

j.

i don’t know how to put this in a way which doesn’t sound so final so i’m not going to try. confirmed today that the baby is no longer living. because L’s hormones still don’t know that, she’s still in the thick of wicked HG and so we aren’t waiting for a miscarriage as that could take weeks and she’s in no condition to last that long at this point. d&c has been scheduled.

i’m not sure how much lizzie really understands right now; she’s on a lot of meds and goes in and out of lucidity. we’re having a tough time keeping an iv in because her veins (which are notoriously bad anyway) are collapsed.

on a positive note, the metoclopramide seems to finally be doing some good and so in a few days we’re hoping to try move to an oral diet and see if she can keep more than a few ice chips down.

thanks for all the calls and emails. will post more news when get it.

Update

just some info for all of you who have been calling.

liz was admitted to the hospital late last night and is in pretty rough shape. she’s down to about 105 pounds even with the PICC line and the iv metoclopramide. we were told by the doctor that this was to be expected, given the severity of her HG, but when she started vomiting blood we had to throw in the towel and get some help.

right now we’re worried about getting her rehydrated as she doesn’t seem to be responding well to iv therapy – she’s expelling faster than she’s recieving. she’s exausted, as can be expected.

an u/s in canada didn’t show the baby’s heartbeat and they’ve done another today and it’s the same thing. with L in the condition she’s in, the doc says that it’s all her body can do to keep itself running, nevermind supporting a fetus. he hasn’t come out and said it yet, but just so you all know at this point there aren’t a lot of hope.

i’m bringing the laptop into the hospital tomorrow so that L can use it at her leisure, which probably won’t be for a while.

please understand that if we don’t return your calls it isn’t personal – we’ve just got a lot going on right now, between this and trying to keep the boys on a schedule and not freaking them out.

mahalo and aloha,

j

crazy love

let’s be honest: i never planned on getting married again. I don’t mean ‘for a long time’ or ‘until my son was grown’, i mean ‘ever’. Even after i met liz, even after i knew i was screwed because i was falling for her, i didn’t plan on getting married.

but the thing is that when you fall in love with someone, real love, it’s not about you anymore. and when i finally balled up and admitted that i was head over heels, everything changed.

it would take me all day to type up just what exactly it is that makes me love my wife – and since i fully intend to show her the town and spoil her today, that’s not possible. so you’ll all just have to settle for the readers digest version.

reasons i love my wife

by james

she is an amazing mother.

she respects herself and others. she is aware of who she is. she doesn’t seek definition from me, or expect me to read her mind. she is capable of articulating her needs. thank god.

she is hopeful.

she is strong enough to make all her dreams come true.

she knows self love, therefore she gives love. she knows that her love has great value, but she still offers it unconditionally without expectation. she is easily one of the, if not the, most loving persons i have ever met.

she honest and hardworking. she believes in standing up and being counted – she would step into traffic for someone if it was the right thing to do.

she has a dash of inspiration and a whallop of endurance. her self confidence allows her to inspire me and our children  to realize their potential.

she is kind.

she knows her past and understands that it can’t be changed. she lives in the present, and moves toward what the future holds. this is harder than most people think.

she doesn’t live in fear of the future because of her past. instead she understands her life experiences, good and bad, are lessons meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and unconditional love; so she embraces the future and is thankful for the present.

she has faith. she knows that with god exists and that the world is his stage and she is here to try and live up to his standards. i may not agree, but i have mad respect for that depth of belief.

she has never complained about having no indoor plumbing, or my surfing for hours a day, or the epic challenge of being at home with three boys by herself.

she talks with me about lauren. more than that, she initiates the conversation.

she loves me back, even when I don’t deserve it.

so there you have it. that doesn’t even come close to scratching the surface but i don’t think men can really put it into words. that’s why we’ve always fought wars or built extravagant palaces or named cities after them. we don’t know how to shrink how we feel down into a few paragraphs. at least i don’t.

happy birthday. i would build you a city and call it liztopolis.

mad love, baby

Oh My God, Whatever, Etc

Hey whats up? James here. The other half of Liz and certainly not the better one =)

I love my wife. I love that she’s my wife. But sometimes she can be annoying. It’s not her. It’s the hormones or a bad hair day or whatever the hell else gets you women all riled up. So to keep the peace, I’m posting to this blog. Because I can’t keep coming up with replies to the, “It’s a family blog James.” accusation.

Not that I don’t like writing. I mean. You know. I do. I just don’t do it that much. I write letters and stuff – articles for Surfing magazine (got one coming out in the latest issue, FYI) and I have this journal thing that I keep. It’s mostly got pictures and some newspaper clippings and some stuff I write. But I don’t usually sit down and write a whole lot. Like, just sit down and write for fun.

That said, I like the idea of a blog. Particularly because we’ll be welcoming our fourth child (second biological for both of us, first that we’re having together. Confused yet? Good.) and it’ll be neat for him to see one day.

Um. I’m not really sure what else to say. Must be time for a questionnaire!

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?

That’s a tough one. I’ve done a lot of traveling and there are a lot of beautiful places. But really, I think Kauai is my bliss. So somewhere here. Either deep in the Kalihiwai valley, with access to the river/bay or somewhere down in Haena. Probably Haena.

What’s your favorite article of clothing?

Don’t really care. Surf shorts? I pretty much live in them, water or no.

Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?

Yow. I have to say “bust,” like “statue” sort of “bust” – kind of from the armpits up. I have sort of an eye/teeth ratio that needs to be maintained – if you have great eyes but crappy teeth, you won’t fly with me. Great teeth and ugly eyes don’t work, either. I’ve also got a thing for nice hair, especially if it’s been put up and has those little wispy bits flowing down around the ears. All of these features may be overridden partially by a nice display of cleavage, though. Or a good ass.

Basically the entire female form rocks. I guess.

What’s the last CD that you bought?

Dunno. I don’t buy CDs really.

Where’s your favorite place to be?

On the water.

Where’s your least favorite place to be?

Gigantic family events; or events where there are a large number of people that I don’t know, don’t really want to know, yet am expected to mingle with. Especially holidays.

What’s your favorite place to be massaged?

My thighs/lower back/glutes. They kill after a long surf session.

Strong in mind or strong in body?

Both.

What time do you wake in the morning?

4:30a.

What’s your favorite kitchen appliance?

Portable grill.

What makes you really angry?

Not a lot, actually. When people are stupid out on the water; fucking groms and there ‘I know everything because I surfed Huntington’ attitude. Just shut the fuck up and listen to the locals, alright bro? Because otherwise you’re going to get pounded by a big ass swell and I’m not coming after your stupid self.

I also hate bad drivers, and here that means just about everyone on the road.

If you could play any instrument, what would it be?

Didgeridoo.

Favorite color?

Used to be black, then green… now I’m liking blue. Like, cobalt, French blue. That dark one.

Which do you prefer, sports car or SUV?

None of the above? People who drive SUVs most likely don’t need the four-wheel drive or the space it offers, so all it does is suck up gas and fuck up our natural resources. Don’t even talk to me if you own one of those damn Ford Expedition gas guzzlers. I feel the same way about large pickup trucks. Also, most folks who own SUVs don’t know how to drive them. If you own the car, learn to fucking park it.

Sports cars are just a fucking waste of time and I suppose I hate them too because all the tourists come here and rent them then drive around like their demigods or something.

I drive an eco-overhauled Tacoma, with none of the add-ons. It gets me from point A to point B. That’s what counts.

Do you believe in afterlife?

No. When I was a kid I read that scripture (Ecclesiastes? Ephesians? One of the ‘E’s) where it says that the dead are conscious of nothing at all. And I went to church and asked my pastor about it and he got this blank look on his face and then said that, well, heaven was a mystery and even at 8 I can remember thinking, “A mystery? Is he fucking kidding? It’s right there.”

So no. I believe in God, I believe he’s love, but I don’t believe there’s anything after death. We’re just gone.

Favorite children’s book?

Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roahl Dahl or however you spell his name.

What is your favorite season?

Winter.

What’s your least favorite household chore?

Anything to do with goopy housework. Washing dishes, cleaning the gutters, unplugging toilets. It’s all one big suckfest. I still do it, though. Gotta be fair.

If you could have one super power, what would it be?

The power of flight.

If you have a tattoo, what is it?

In between my shoulderblades I have ‘21°20′N157°55′W/AJM’ which is the long and lat of my sons birthplace (Honolulu) and his initials. Done way before Angelina Jolie.

On my left hip I have LJM and on my right hip I have KEM – the initials of my first wife and wife.

Around my right wrist I have a double line of text in old polynesian – The Surfer’s Creed. You know what it says if you surf.

On my right shoulder I have ‘Respect the Stoke’. Uh yeah. I was eighteen, in Indonesia, and drunk. It still embarrasses me.

Can you juggle?

Like a pro.

The one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?

Lauren.

What’s your favorite day?

Any day I can surf and spend time with my wife and kids is great.

What’s in the trunk of your car?

First aid kit, towels, knives, spare leashes, wax, jumper cables, tool box, ding repair kit, change of clothes, extra shorts, water, matches, flares, a tent, two collapsable chairs, canned goods, blankets and an air mattress

Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?

Sushi, especially fresh. I’ll catch it, gut it on the beach, give it a rinse, and be eating fresh sashimi an hour later. Mmm.
What’s your favourite song?

I like a lot of stuff. For sentimental reasons I’ll always have a soft spot for U2s ‘With or Without You’. The same goes for ‘Crash Into Me’ by DMB, which I’ll leave all of you with.

Edit: Nevermind. Found the real video of the song so I don’t look like some sap.